Thursday, May 13, 2010

Visitors Came To Call

It has been several weeks since I've posted anything. Not my intention, but I have had a few unwanted visitors stopping by. Anxiety and Depression.

Those who know me, know that I have battled these thieves before. I call them thieves, because they steal from me. They take my courage, stability, my reasoning and leave me feeling empty, uncomfortable in my own skin, and take away the ability for me to  find happiness in my daily life.

Those of you who have these unwanted visitors pounce upon you unexpectedly, understand my words.
I, thru mental strength, and strategies pull my pieces of Armour together to fight. You have to fight the battle because you stand on a thin line, a tightrope. If you do not stand up to these intruders you will cross the line into the black hole, you will fall off the tightrope.

The conversations in your head are constant. A series of arguments with these intruders. They want you to be weak, they want you to feel insecure, hopeless and worthless. But... you have to carry on... You have to find the strength deep down within, a place you do not go to readily. Because you have a purpose, a mission, you are an important person in this universe.

I'm told due to having an abusive childhood, and a previous abusive marriage that I'm prone to these bouts of anxiety and depression. That traumas are buried deep within me and when I have these bouts of anxiety and depression it is my brain saying "Hey there is some stuff in here that needs to be dealt with" But, do I want to deal with this stuff? No, not really. They are scary things, this I know. When in therapy I scratched just the surface of these scary things, just opened the door a crack. That is all I needed to do, before I slammed the door shut. I know I do NOT want to go there. All thru the traumatic years I had a visual in my head. A visual of mason jars in a pantry. These mason jars held the scary events of my life. I could stuff these traumas into a jar and screw the lid on tight, place the jar on the shelve and close the door.

Is that a healthy way to deal with emotional pain, with emotional abusive, with sexual abuse? I'm sure its not. But to survive it all, that is what I did. I'm told until I take each jar in my hand and open the lid and let the scary things come out, I will have these intruders visit me now and again. So, which is more difficult for me now? To go thru the pure exhaustion of fighting these thieves or to open the jars in the pantry? This is what I have to find the answer to. I know I do not like the battle, the mind torturing excursion of anxiety, panic, and depression. I know I'm a fighter, if I wasn't I would of lost the battle many years ago.

I have been able to heal myself from a multitude of health issues with living a green life This has made a dramatic difference. If you have the same battle as I, then you need to know that it is extremely important to live a green life. Yes food can heal. God gave us everything on this earth to heal. Food plays a very large role in our bodys daily chemistry. Organic Food is part of my armour in this battle. Supplements, herbs and aromatherapy always provide me with ammunition for getting me thru this battle.

I'm feeling much better today. 3 weeks of constant aromatherapy, eating serotonin boosting foods, sleeping on a regular schedule, deep breathing exercises, yoga sequences for anxiety and nervous energy, some kava kava, Valerian root, 5-HTP..a mood journal and a few fantastic self help books later.

Mornings aren't so good, but after my yoga, green smoothie and meditation I start to feel better. By mid afternoon my head begins to clear and clarity enters.

I have been able to keep up with my business, and with life because I have an amazing young woman who works with me. My daughter Liz. She gives me my pep talks, she holds me up, she has been my rock.
  I have my 3 amazing sons who call me to remind me how much they love me and need me. I have my 8 year old daughter who doesn't really understand what is going on except the Mommy isn't feeling  well, so she hugs me. Those warm enveloping hugs, filled with love. My husband, so patient, non demanding, loves me unconditionally. I have wonderful customers who, send uplifting emails that brighten my day.  So, I'm coming along. I have trudged thru this maze before and have always found my way, and I will continue to do so, because I  have a mission, a purpose in this universe.

I am a Mother, Wife, Sister, and a Friend.

If anyone reading this, battles anxiety and depression, please remember your not alone. Talk Talk Talk about what your feeling, acknowledge what your feeling, reach out because....


In the next few days I will post some of my recipes, titles of books, and other bits of information that help me get through this rough patch in hopes that it may help. In the meantime if anyone has any questions please feel free to contact me.


1 comment:

Eat To Live said...

Aren't Daughters GREAT!! My Daughter has become my best friend. Who woulda thought!!

You mentioned on my blog that you had candida... candida can cause depression. Are you sure some of yours isn't caused by that?